Beverly Allen Miner

    I know it has been a while since I have posted anything. The funny thing is that the last day I posted something was the day that life changed for me forever. That was the day that I found out that the days with my mom on earth were numbered. I have been riding the waves of grief while trying to still go on with normal life since that day. I'm going to attempt to put some of my thoughts and feelings about losing my mom into words, though nothing could ever really describe what it feels like for someone who has not experienced it themselves. I'm going to start from the beginning of her last battle with cancer (round 4, if you count chronic leukemia that she told us about maybe 10 years ago).

    One of my last posts covered our trip to visit mom and dad right before Christmas. We went on that trip because I had been feeling, for months, that we needed to go visit. I am so glad we went because things changed so quickly after that trip. Mom was happy and was the loving, wonderful grandma that she has been since taking on that title, including taking us to the arboretum to see the Christmas lights (when she could hardly walk the distance required to make it around the loop). That was the last time my kids, and Danny, saw her and we made some really good memories on that trip.

    A couple of weeks after we got home, Dad got onto our weekly family zoom call alone. He told us that Mom was in the hospital because she was feeling exhausted (more than normal). They found fluid surrounding her lungs but did not know where it was coming from. They drained it, ran some tests on it, and sent her home a few days later. The results of the tests did not come back until a couple of weeks later. Cancer cells in the fluid. Not only that, but the fluid was around her lungs and stomach. Stage 4. Grief is weird, the way it hits you at the most random times. It would hit me every time I would think of something she would not get to experience. At first, it was the more obvious things, like the family cruise we were supposed to take to celebrate her 80th birthday, her trip to Germany to see the passion plays, and our family reunion in July. Then it was more distant things like my kid's weddings, Camden's baptism, and her great-grandchildren that have not been born yet. My kids are all so young still with their whole lives in front of them and I worried that my boys would not even remember her.

    I spent the next 2 months trying to make the most of my time left with her. I called her, at least, once a week and tried to keep her mind off of the fact that she was dying. but as things progressed, I could see that my efforts were not working. Some days I would call, and she would be really happy and talkative and other days I would call and struggle to get her to talk at all. I later learned that those were the days that she was especially uncomfortable or down.

    My siblings and I decided that we would all go home to celebrate Mom's 81st birthday with her. It was Presidents' Day weekend (her birthday fell on Saturday, Feb. 19th). Christy found us an Airbnb in Sylmar and we all went. Mom had the fluid drained right before we arrived so that she would be able to eat and enjoy the weekend without being too uncomfortable. It worked well for the first couple of days I was there, but unfortunately, she was not feeling great on her birthday. We had to cancel the outing to her favorite restaurant and bring the food to the house instead. But she wasn't able to eat dinner or the 3 cheesecakes Marjorie made. I think she enjoyed having so many of us there, even though it was a bit crazy fitting 25 people in their house. It was good for all of us to be there together. On Sunday night, my siblings and parents escaped up to Mom and Dad's bedroom to talk about the future. Becky was concerned about Mom and Dad's mental state through the coming weeks and months. We had a good talk. It was especially comforting to know that Mom was not afraid of dying, just that she was worried about how much pain she will have to endure to get there. She was also worried about Dad, afterward.

    After the birthday weekend, Mom finally accepted that hospice care would need to start. They brought in a bed for downstairs and nurses, doctors and other medical assistants started making regular visits to the house. As kids, we also made a calendar to plan for someone to be at the house with them almost constantly. 

    Fortunately, when things got really bad for her she went quickly. I talked to her for the last time on my birthday (March 9th). I don't remember much about that last conversation, but I always tried to tell her what a great mom she was and how much I love her every time I talked to her in the end, so I'm sure I said something along that line to her. On Saturday, March 12th, Jeff let us know that Mom had started throwing up blood that morning and wasn't doing well. She had been throwing up regularly for months, but never with blood. I don't know too many details about the hour-to-hour happenings, but on Sunday night when we had her zoom call, we could all hear her moaning in the background. Dad looked pretty broken that night too. He suspected that she would not last much longer. I hardly slept that night. I was torn about flying out there to see her one last time or just letting it happen. There was no need to make a decision because Dad's call came in at 6 am, letting me know that she had just passed on. I was sad, but since I had been grieving for 2 months, it was almost a relief to know she wasn't suffering anymore. 

    We had a zoom call that night to discuss mom's funeral. It was scheduled for the following Monday, March 21st. We decided that each of us would contribute something and that it would include a lot of musical numbers. Steve and Jeff volunteered to do a piano and guitar solo each. Christy didn't want to do a talk but said that she could handle the life sketch. That left Becky, Marjorie, David, and me to do a 5-minute talk each. How does one sum up a life like Moms in 5 minutes? We all struggled with it, so we shared with each other our focus and the stories we would tell so that we could cover Mom's life between all of us.

    I flew in on Thursday night. I was thankful to have a couple of days with Dad, Jeff, Christy, and Becky to talk through some emotions and to hear firsthand from Jeff and Dad about the hours leading up to Mom's death. They told stories of things mom said that night to indicate that maybe she was seeing spirits from the other side. They also shared stories of how she continued to have her sense of humor up until the end. Jeff also knew exactly when to go wake up dad in the end. Dad told us of a very special moment he had with mom on Sunday morning while the others were at church where he gave her a blessing and told her that she did not need to prolong things for his sake. They told each other that they loved the other. I'm sure they said a lot more than that, too. 

    The funeral was really good. We kept it to an hour. There were a lot of people there. The chapel was full. Neighbors and friends and family came. After the funeral, we had a caravan up to the cemetery (Glen Haven - up Kagel Canyon) for the graveside dedication. And then back to the church for a luncheon. We visited with family, including cousins, aunts, and uncles that we hadn't seen in years. We also visited with ward members and friends. And then we all went our separate ways. 

    There have been moments in the last 3 months where I have had the strong desire to talk to Mom and then it hits me that I can't. I hate it, but then life just goes on. Mostly I worry about Dad, being on his own. We try to talk to him often and visit with him as much as possible, but it definitely is not the same as having Mom there.

    In closing, I just want to say a few things about Mom. She was the best. I was her baby and I always felt so loved growing. up. She used to take me to feed the ducks over at Hansen Dam. She attended thousands of plays at the conservatory to support me. She worked in my elementary school library and I remember going in there often during recess and lunch to visit her. She let me try out for cheerleading even though she really did not want me to be a cheerleader. She even came to watch me cheer at some of the football games. She taught me how to sew, play the piano, cook, garden, love music, love reading, and value daily exercise. She also loved to travel and inspired me to see more of the world. She accepted Danny into our family and always treated him like one of her own. She loved my kids and spoiled them whenever possible. She sent them birthday cards and gifts, holiday packages (every Valentine's Day, Easter, and Halloween), and bought them special prizes whenever we were visiting them, or they were visiting us. She loved our biannual family reunions and made sure that everyone knew how important it was for them to be there. The reunions always included grandma's bingo with hand-picked prizes for each grandchild. She lived a life of service, first to her family, and second to the ward and neighbors. She is greatly missed, and I hope that I can continue with her legacy of love.

I love you, Mom!